Why the U.S. Is Better
December 9, 2013, 6:03 pm
Filed under: Gambling, USA

I often get bored with prestiging up in MW3, Black Ops, etc., so I take time out to play freebie Texas Holdem on PokerStars. It passes the time, and I’ve managed to acquire 8 million totally worthless free chips there. Besides, it isn’t so bandwidth-intensive I freeze up like with multi-player battles.

PokerStars has this nifty color-coded customizable label system, wherein you can identify the other players. There are eight different color/text labels (nine, if you count “(no label)” as one, which I don’t). I initially had those set to “Rock”, “Wildman”, “Expert Player”, “Tight Player”, “Too Loose”… you get the idea. But playing the freebie tables, I noticed a trend, and changed my labels accordingly. Every player identified as being in Europe played like an idiot. Seriously. So I made a label called “EuroTrash.” It’s color-coded blue. People from the U.S. were generally much better players. I labeled them “Gringos”, and color-coded them purple. Initially, I coded Canadians as Gringos, too, but found that they tended to play like Europeans, so sorry, Canuckistan, you are EuroTrash to me. At least on PokerStars.

Asians and South Americans, ditto on the EuroTrash label. They all play like idiots. I’m sure that there are good player on other continents, other countries, but they’re playing for real money, aren’t they.

Feel free to kill me at your leisure
February 19, 2012, 9:31 pm
Filed under: Call of Duty, MW3

Talkin’ ’bout lag. And not just your run of the mill, fleetingly temporary, laughably ignorable lag. Nope. I’m talking molasses in January, mud so thick it sucks off your boot, two frames a fuckin’ second L.A.G.

That is my fate. I probably have more experience with lag than most of my Call of Duty opponents have with the opposite sex. In fact, I’m sure of it.

Here’s why: I live off the grid (meaning there are no power or telephone poles out here in Bloated Horse Carcass, Colorado, Population: 3 if you count the dog) so everything we have has to be generated on-site. We make our own electricity, our phones are stationary cell phone thingamabobs. Our internet connection, another stationary cell phone thingamabob) is DSL (or so they claim), but I recall dial-up connections that were faster. Now, add to that the fact that Missus VirtualWarCriminal also has a laptop, with which she watches entertainment news over the internet (no reader, she)–while I am hard at work trying to kill 12-year-olds with a two-attachment PP90M1 and one lousy EMP greande in MW3. And not just the sort of snot-nosed 12-year-old I recall being. No. These are 12-year-olds with preternaturally fast reflexes, warp-speed internet connections, War College post-graduate-level strategy skills, and potty mouths.  Hitler’s illusory master race, now with lemony-fresh Xbox360! I hate them.

I will be merrily wreaking what miserably little havoc I am able to wreak when Missus VirtualWarCriminal decides to stream last week’s episode of, ironically enough,  The Good Wife. Suddenly, on my screen, the grenade I just tossed stops in mid-air; everything else, in fact, likewise freezes, and I know with a resigned certainty that when it unfreezes, I will have respawned elsewhere, victim of the demonic red light-green light game MW3 becomes for the latency impaired. Or maybe just me.

Or the alarmingly frequent Downloading of Monstrously Large Graphics of Cute Kittahs that turns the action in MW3 into a stop-action slo-mo version of wack-a-mole, starring me as the mole. If 12-year-olds had serious money, I’d be certain my wife was on their payroll.

For now, though, it’s just a suspicion.

February 19, 2012, 6:37 pm
Filed under: Call of Duty, Challenges, MW3

I just spent an entire day (12+ hours!) trying to get that damn Wargasm title in MW3. All the info I find on the innertubes notes simply that it requires you get all three of your killstreaks within 20 seconds. As an aside, I hadn’t taken notice of the title until yesterday (christ, there are at least 2,230 freakin’ challenges in MW3. Gimme a break!). Besides, I was proud of my Highlander title (play an entire full-length match without dying)  so I was uninterested in what other titles signified. In any case, I noticed other combatants with the wargasm title, and after checking its requirements, I figured it seemed easy enough to nail. Well… au contraire, mon fryer (that’s Frogese for “not so, buffalo!”)

I tried it normally, running and gunning, and it seemed that I got it a few times, but no. So I went Hardline Pro and tried some more, carefully counting the moment I got my first killstreak reward. Still nothing. So I decided the 20-second countdown began with my first kill, rather than with my first killsteak reward, so I started counting down from that point. Still, nada.

By this time I am maybe six hours in to trying to achieve a title that will get me zero money and zero chicks, not to mention zero admiration from the 12-year-olds who regularly kick my ancient ass all over the maps and all have achieved Wargasm (now I know how some unfulfilled chicks feel… not that I know any of those types personally, you unnertand). Let’s not even talk about the horrifyingly bad k/d ratio I have acquired as a result. But do I give up? Nevah!

So finally it occurred to me (the next day, after once again being certain I’d just achieved Wargasm again with no farkin’ recognition from the friggin’ game) to check to see what category the Wargasm challenge is under. I go to my Elite page and voila! (more Frogese). Ya see, Wargasm is under the Intimidation category, which is not unlocked until level 70 (I’m on my 8th go-round in the Prestige lane, currently at level 68). Ah-fucking-HA!

So, briefly, and for the first time on the innertubes: You won’t achieve Wargasm (let alone mutual wargasm, a term I just invented, btw) until you get all three of your killstreak rewards within 20 seconds AND your level is at least 70.

You’re welcome.

Update: Sure enough, the very first match I played today after hitting level 70, I earned the following achievements: Wargasm, The Bigger They Are… and The Harder They Fall. Yes, it helped that every member of the opposing team appeared to be in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s, but still. Boo-YAH. For the  Gots-To-Know crowd, my perks were Extreme Conditioning Pro, Hardline Pro, and Steady Aim Pro; my Assault Strike Package comprised UAV, Care Package, and I.M.S. (3,4 & 5 kills, respectively)

Hey now….
February 19, 2012, 6:16 pm
Filed under: Call of Duty, MW3

I’m starting this blog because I play an awful lot of Call of Duty games, and I’ve noticed that there’s hardly any info online about MW3. Oh sure, you can find similar content pertaining to MW2, but much of it is either wrong or misinformed when it comes to MW3.

Besides, I like to grouse about what a crummy team I was just on, and how THAT was the reason I went 3/16 on the ole K/D ratio. Not, of course, that my suckage is great, or that a rock has a faster reaction time, or that as a certifiable old fuck, I really should find better things to do with my time. The whole reason I suck is that 12-year-olds should not be allowed to play against senior citizens. So consider this a virtual “all you damn kids get off my lawn!” blog.